Everyone knows that couple. They break up and make up so often that you’ve given up trying to understand. If you did look closer what you might discover is a lack of relationship repair. Making up isn’t the point. Couples must pay very close attention to how they make up. Whether it be after a fight or after a break-up, the “how” is crucial. The goal isn’t to patch things up with a metaphorical band-aid. As a team, you want to explore the reasons behind a) the conflict and b) the escalation of the conflict.
First, How Not to Make Up
Physical Intimacy Alone
Sex and intimacy, if used as a bargaining chip, lose their connective powers. You are no longer creating a physical bond due to passion and attraction. It’s become a ploy. Such an approach fails at repairing the damage. In the process, it creates new damage.
Inauthentic Apologies
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” “If what I said offended you, I apologize.” The variations are endless but they all add up to disingenuous negativity. Better to not apologize than to do so dishonestly.
Passive-Aggressive Silent Treatment
It can be tempting to “punish” your partner by cutting off communication, affection, or employ silent treatment. This a counterproductive relationship choice. Avoid using basic, essential relationship interactions as if they are bargaining chips. Also, the silent treatment never deescalates a situation. Open communication is best.
Pretend It Never Happened
Have you ever been in an intense conflict with your spouse only to end it, abruptly and unresolved, then go on, behaving as if nothing happened? It may feel like conflict resolution but it’s much closer to denial. If you pursue this option, you will begin to normalize antagonism and insecurity.
How to Make Up
Patience
Conflict is undeniably uncomfortable. No one can be blamed for seeking to make things better as soon as possible. Unfortunately, this is not how recovery usually happens. So, the first step is to accept the process and not rush it or compare it to other relationships. If you need time and space, communicate this clearly to your partner.
Genuinely Apologize
There are a few basic but mostly ignored steps to doing apologies right. For example:
Own up to your behavior
Hold yourself accountable and accept responsibility
Name the action and apologize specifically for it
Show remorse
Pledge to not repeat the behavior and, if necessary, make up for it
Ask for forgiveness
Demonstrate, through your actions, a commitment to change
Meaningful Forgiveness
For every partner out there offering an authentic apology, there’s a partner with an opportunity to authentically forgive them. Forgiveness is an evolving dialogue. It doesn’t mean behavior is condoned but it should mean that the aggrieved partner is ready to move on and willing not to hold a grudge.
Work Together on the Issue(s) That Caused the Fight
On the surface, it may appear as if you were squabbling over something “minor.” However, there may be underlying issues that require your attention. A big part of making up is working together on those parts of your relationship that need repair. To neglect this step is to guarantee more problems and more episodes of making up with each other.
How to Learn and Practice the Difference
In the heat of the moment, all of the above can feel like a foreign language. No one should be expected to parse out all the unspoken words and unexpressed emotions without the right skills. That’s where couples counseling becomes indispensable. The two of you can commit to working with an unbiased guide. Together, you can heal wounds, refine communication, and repair your relationship successfully.
Being a couple is hard work. It makes perfect sense to ask for help. Please read more about couples counseling and let's talk about how we can work towards healing together.