What did you say the last time you passed a mirror?
How did you respond in your head when you made that mistake at work?
Where did your thoughts take you when you contemplated that unrealized dream?
Is it all pep talks and affirmations in your mind? Or something much less positive? You aren’t alone if the conversations you have with yourself are pretty mean-spirited. If you struggle with depression or anxiety, speaking kindly to yourself may have long been a challenge. According to experts, negative self-talk plays a significant role in a host of mental health challenges and mood disorders.
Negative Self Talk: What is it exactly?
To be clear, negative self-talk is more than an occasional internal admonishment or put-down. It is a routine and frequent stream of mental chatter that is usually quite automatic and habitual. Over time, the cycle of negative thoughts and self-talk creates more negative feelings.
Is such self-talk always true? Often not. Negative self-talk is more of an inner dialogue that highlights and perpetuates fears, insecurities, criticisms, and unchallenged beliefs. Unaddressed, the things you tell yourself start to feel true and impede the life and relationships you want.
The good news? Your self-talk is within your control. Awareness is the first step to a kinder and more empowering inner voice.
Let’s look at how negative self-talk may be getting in your way:
Common Forms of Negative Self-Talk
Labeling. Do you pigeonhole yourself or form your identity around one “problem” area or perceived fault?
Filtering. Do you find that you amplify, magnify, or intensify the negative aspects of various circumstances while effectively filtering out all of the positive qualities?
Personalizing. Do you automatically blame yourself when bad things happen?
Catastrophizing. Are you prone to automatically assume, anticipate, or prepare for disaster or the worst-case scenario?
Polarizing. Does every situation, choice, or relationship basically boil down to concrete elements of perfection and failure, good and bad, or black and white?
These ways of thinking and relating to yourself are essentially unhelpful mental habits or thought patterns. You may have initially thought that speaking negatively to yourself was a form of motivating tough love. Perhaps you believed identifying your shortcomings could somehow move you forward. Perhaps now, you recognize that the inner negativity habit is damaging your self-esteem and harming your relationships.
Take heart. Your negative self-talk habit can be broken. Consider the following tips:
Negative Self-Talk: 6 Tips to Turn It Around
As your lagging self-esteem, low mood, and dissatisfaction have shown you, negative self-talk is a series of thoughts driving your negative feelings. It’s time to change those thoughts to create more positive feelings and energy.
1. Dismantle your negative narratives.
Before changing a negative thought, you need to be aware of it. Start noticing what you tell yourself during anxious moments. Then, employ the following strategy:
Challenge the thought: Question the accuracy and validity of your negative self-talk. Is this thought based on facts or feelings?
Reframe the thought: Replace the negative thought with a more balanced or positive one. For example, change “I can't do this anymore!” to “I'll try again tomorrow.”
Use mindfulness and relaxation techniques: Deep breathing and grounding exercises to help you distance yourself from unhelpful thoughts.
2. Start with awareness and intention.
Negative self-talk is often false, reflexive thinking. Combat that immediate response by noticing your thoughts and observing your reaction.
You may be alarmed at how much unhelpful thinking occurs routinely in your own mind.
You might consider meditation, too. Paying attention to your self-talk when it occurs is a helpful way of becoming aware of your thoughts in order to gain perspective. For a while, a thought journal might be helpful too. Nothing complex or laborious is involved. Simply practice noticing negative thoughts without judgment, allowing them to come and go. Just notice them, write them, and move on.
3. Replace negative self-talk with positive statements.
Thoughts cannot be simply thrown out without a mental game plan; otherwise, your tendency toward negativity will likely fill the void. It’s best to spend some time intentionally developing positive counterstatements and affirmations to counter negative inner dialogue.
Not sure where to begin? Look at your thought journal and consider the negative thoughts you know are consistent. Then, determine more edifying replacements. The key is to keep them believable and truthful, or you won’t use them. Speak positively and firmly about yourself. You are using these statements to rewire your brain and take back your inner conversations.
4. Embrace your humanity.
You are a whole person. You are nuanced and normal; your flaws and limitations are part of your unique package. It’s perfectly okay to bring your whole self to the table, Honor who you are without expecting perfection. To live otherwise is too exhausting. The people in your life will appreciate vulnerability and authentic communication much more.
5. Talk to yourself, as if you were someone else.
At times, achieving the desired results requires stepping outside our usual perspective. Therefore, engaging in quiet self-talk in the third person can have a significant impact.
Research conducted by psychology experts from Michigan State University and the University of Michigan revealed that third-person self-talk can enhance self-control, leading to increased motivation. This approach prompts you to treat yourself the way you would someone else. This permits a bit of helpful psychological distance and objectivity.
6. Be persistent.
Again, negative self-talk is habitual. Turning things around for good will likely take time. With your improved ability to notice negativity and your positive statements ready, try to find ways to implement your new skills.
Begin by gently telling yourself to “stop.” Choose to replace the thought you’ve identified as negative or irrational. You needn’t introduce more negativity by berating yourself or obsessing over your new technique. Just stick with it and celebrate each mental victory as it comes. You really do deserve to think well of yourself.
Depression Treatment Can Help You Change Your Inner Narrative
Therapy is a safe place to explore your thoughts and feelings and challenge your inner critic. Let’s learn to support your mind and body’s ability to manage stress, hopelessness, dark moods, loneliness, and depression together.
Please read more about my depression treatment services. When you’re ready, call (805) 374-1770 or email me at Linda@lindafisherman.com for compassionate care and support.