Healthy boundaries in a relationship sound good.“Healthy” sounds like peace and harmony. “Boundaries” sounds like limits, security, and respect.
So why are boundaries such a problem in many relationships? Honestly, many couples don’t really know what healthy boundaries look like. They often don’t know how to erect them effectively. Not to mention that maintaining boundaries can seem a bit stressful, particularly if you’ve never used them when the going gets tough.
Yet, a healthy, satisfying union is shaped and secured by agreed-upon guidelines and guardrails. Boundaries communicate that both partners are worthy of positive. Respectful interaction and emotional protection are vital. Both you and your partner deserve to coexist and cooperate in an atmosphere that is physically, emotionally, and psychologically safe.
Would you say that your current relationship boundaries affirm you and your partner? Do you feel empowered to identify as both members of a couple and as individuals? Or is there something happening in your relationship that somehow keeps either of you from expressing core values and beliefs?
If you’re unsure about your relationship boundaries, read on and consider the following:
Does Your Relationship Have Healthy Boundaries? Ask These 5 Key Questions
1. Are you and your significant other too close?
In other words, are you overly involved in each other’s decision-making, outside relationships, or find yourselves sharing each other’s confidences inappropriately or without permission? Your boundaries may be “enmeshed” or too soft. When you need space emotionally or physically, you should be able to obtain it. If words like “smothered”, “stifled”, or “suffocating“ come to mind when you think of your relationship, it may be that you and your partner aren’t well-defined as individuals.
2. Do you and your partner feel like strangers to each other?
Have one or both of you set boundaries so rigid that they actually alienate and isolate you from one another. Too much division means your partner cannot provide the best support and atmosphere for personal growth and social development. Healthy boundaries aren’t brick walls. They should provide flexibility for cooperative and considerate adjustments as needed.
3. Do you and your partner have the right to say “no”?
Is it unusual for either of you to feel like “no” is somehow disrespectful or disloyal in your relationship? You may believe that being a partner means being available at all times, constantly ready, or unfailingly supportive. Perhaps one or both of you routinely guilt each other into meeting each other’s needs.
Unchecked, shaming, people-pleasing, and codependency signal a problem with boundaries. Healthy relationship guidelines allow for some measure of self-concern for the sake of individual well-being. This takes nothing away from a close connection. Partners who can deny certain requests without anxiety, guilt, pressure, or retribution often enjoy more stability, trust, and understanding.
4. Is martyrdom a relationship rule of thumb?
For your union to function well, neither partner should feel like their needs and feelings are somehow less important. For example, some partners sacrifice their own health or welfare for the sake of the connection. As a result, this can effectively undermine their partner’s need to distinguish themselves from the intended help or service. Healthy boundaries avoid resentment by encouraging mutual contribution and individual self-care.
5. Can you address and resolve unacceptable behavior or expectations?
How do you let each other know when you've crossed the line? Do you or your partner avoid, dismiss, or simply suffer through damage to the relationship? Healthy boundaries permit partners to be themselves. Neither of you should worry about punishment, unreasonable ultimatums, or undue pressure to accept behaviors that are personally intolerable.
Your answers to the questions above may have revealed that your relationship does have strong boundaries in place. Or, you may realize that you have some work to do. If the latter is true, it’s okay. Now you know where to start. Consider the help of an experienced couples therapist and reap the benefits of healthy boundaries sooner than you might think.
Counseling Can Help Develop The Emotional Safety You Both Want
Setting boundaries takes self-exploration and practice. Maintaining boundaries is an exercise in self-expression and asserting yourself, as well as compassionately and empathetically meeting each other’s needs. All of this can feel scary or insecure as you manage areas that need attention. If you think you may be stuck when it comes to discussing boundaries, it’s wise to evaluate why.
Truthfully, some issues related to boundaries require a lot more communication than others. If you find you are at odds with each other, don’t give up. Perhaps you just need support in reassessing the boundaries you already have in place. In either case, couples therapy sessions can be a benefit. An objective ear and expertise can offer significant guidance and tools.
I am here to help you establish boundaries, feel secure, and remain supported. Please read more about Couples Counseling services. Please call (805) 374-1770 or email me at Linda@lindafisherman.com for compassionate care and support.