According to a 2014 APA Stress in America survey, nearly a third of adults claimed that money challenges were the leading cause of stress in their relationships. That study was more than a decade ago, long before a global pandemic, political unrest, wildfires, floods, and an economic downturn. And if you ask the average couple today what they last fought about?
You guessed it, money still remains at the top of the list. In other words, you aren’t alone.
Why is money so problematic? Is there any way to keep financial worries and miscommunication from creating conflict in your relationship? First, give yourself some credit for exploring this topic. Despite the impact money has on marriage, many couples never take real measures to look at it through a relationship lens. The very real emotional and psychological strain money places on a partnership deserves attention, compassion, and support. Let’s explore that together.
Understanding the Impact of Money on Marriage
The truth is, partners often merge lives and bank accounts without realizing how much their beliefs about money matter. Often unconsciously, monetary perspectives factor into how much couples trust each other or align goals. Sometimes, money-related resentment can do real damage to your connection. Especially if you don’t identify the role and function of finance in your relationship. If money is a taboo topic in your home, it can become a source of mismatched financial goals that, unaddressed, cause irreparable harm and perpetual misunderstanding.
Consider your own relationship. Are you and your partner experiencing any of these common money issues below?
Secret Spending or Hoarding: It’s important to have some personal autonomy. However, financial infidelity can take root if you aren’t communicating. Hiding funds or lying about spending is a relationship red flag.
Black-and-White Financial Thinking: Money habits are learned, not ingrained. You can get into trouble when one or both of you believe your financial way is the only way.
Unwillingness to Change: Resisting compromise as a path toward financial resolution can keep you stuck in conflict.
Financial Competition or Judgement: Judging or criticizing each other’s salary, career, or financial contribution is unhealthy and can bring out the worst in you.
Lack of Focus: Allowing money trouble to color the entire relationship can lead to overall dissatisfaction and even eventual separation.
Fortunately, you don’t have to go this way. To turn things around, it’s crucial to work through what money means to you both, communicate expectations and boundaries, and create a workable plan that you can both live with. Consider the following plan of action:
4 Strategies to Keep Cash From Compromising Your Connection
Strategy 1: Consider How Money Feels & What Money Means
If money is creating ongoing negativity in your relationship, it’s time to explore why. Start with your own thoughts. Get curious about how money or the lack of it affects you. What’s your history with money? How do your upbringing and subsequent experiences affect your fiscal habits? What financial flaws drive you crazy in yourself or your partner? What financial resentments seem to recur between you?
What difference does all of that make? Without internal exploration, financial fights and conflict lead to resentment and contempt for far too many couples. Your individual perceptions and assumptions about money may be driving unproductive conversations and responses. Accept this reality. Factor that into your conversations. Financial perspectives can evolve. Mindful introspection and awareness will help increase understanding and insight. More self-awareness and empathy can foster more compassion, supportive interaction, and growth.
Strategy 2: Break Unproductive Patterns By Prioritizing Open and Honest Communication
How do you and your partner communicate about money? Do you discuss bills, emergency funds, or retirement accounts calmly? Maybe you avoid the topic and cross your fingers on every payday. Perhaps it’s all-out war with each debit from your joint account.
It's time to break unhealthy communication patterns regarding your finances. Open-minded and frank communication about money—and its role in your marriage—is crucial. Try the following to normalize conversations about cash and credit with the following tips:
Schedule Money Talks Regularly: Merging money is intimate. Set aside time each month to discuss finances privately and without distraction. Consider it a financial date night. Defining a period to align your financial goals can help reduce tension and anxiety, improving cooperation and closeness.
Make Clarity a Monetary Must: Open the books. Reveal your income, expenses, debts, and any other financial concerns with each other. Develop trust and transparency about the state of your finances. Shared funds must truly be shared for honest, vulnerable conversations to happen.
Listen Actively and Converse Respectfully: Sometimes, just learning with less judgment can transform confrontation into collaboration. Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and concerns, without interrupting or minimizing their monetary experience or desires. Validation matters more than your complete agreement. This communicates respect and builds trust.
Financial discussions don’t have to erode your connection; they can actually strengthen it when approached with care and consideration. Find out whether you can communicate and coordinate your money or if you need a counselor to help you sift through other relationship factors, emotions, or problems first.
Honor And Celebrate Financial Common Ground. Diffuse negativity by noticing areas of agreement. Build from there.
Strategy 3: Create a Joint Financial Plan
Planning brings peace of mind. Lift the financial weight off your relationship by plotting your financial future with teamwork as your aim. Do you think the process might be too complex, restrictive, or rigid? It needn’t be. Planning your shared funds can be a negotiable process with workable steps you’ll both honor.
Why is planning so important? Essentially, a financial plan can help
Identify Mutual Goals and Boundaries: You and your partner can more responsibly make and meet short-term and long-term financial goals with a clear plan. Some couples discover that their financial arguments stem from simply not knowing each other's habits and emotional issues concerning saving and spending.
Maintain Monetary Order & Alleviate Stress During Difficult Times: There are extraordinary tools, technologies, and counselors available to you. You can practically and productively track your money and communicate your needs and concerns simultaneously and in real time. Turn away from conflict and toward support to ease financial strain on your connection.
Respond to Needs, Transition, and the Evolution of Your Relationship: A fiscal plan does not hold you hostage, but it does hold you accountable. The plan you devise together will allow you to communicate clearly and responsively as life happens and transitions occur. The point is not to rule over each other but to check in and respond to each other financially, as you would mentally and emotionally.
Strategy 4: Deal with Deeper Issues
As you navigate the financial aspects of your relationship, other relationship issues may recur. That’s completely normal. Consider it a sign that you could benefit from guidance in those areas. Couples counseling can help connect your desire to take care of each other financially with your desire to grow closer emotionally as well. With a therapist, you may gain a clearer understanding of how your relationship with money impacts your personal relationship. Couples counseling offers a secure, solution-focused environment that allows you time to talk in a safe, non-judgmental space.
Seek Help to Keep Your Connection Strong
Finally, when considering money and marriage, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Fortunately, you can transform financial stress into relationship growth by committing to each other and productive communication. Are you ready to take the first step?
I’m here to help. I’m a qualified and experienced couples therapist. Allow me to help you explore what money means in your relationship. Together we can learn how to make love and understanding your greatest assets. Please read more about couples counseling and reach out for a consultation today. Call (805) 374-1770 or email me at Linda@lindafisherman.com for compassionate care and support.